Art Heist Paces Paint-by-Numbers ‘H50’

Could there be a more unlikely recurring guest on Hawaii Five-0 than Ed Asner?

August March (Ed Asner) relaxes on a bench by the ocean.

Amid the sun, surf and action of Oahu, the octogenarian TV legend sits on a park bench – looking and sounding a bit like one of the Budweiser frogs as his recurring character, August March, trades verbal barbs with McGarrett (Alex O’Loughlin) and Danno (Scott Caan). He even offers up that one of his regrets is never learning to surf.

For Asner’s appearance last season, H50’s writers updated and reintegrated a character he played in a 1975 episode of the original Hawaii Five-0. In “Wooden Model of a Rat,” Asner was August March, a smuggler who tried to frame the original McGarrett (Jack Lord) for art theft. He was great in his return after 37 years. Viewers had to wait until the end to learn whether or not March had really gone straight after decades in prison. And the Five-0 team was not privy to the answer.

Season 3, Episode 2

Malia’s paddle-out memorial.

The episode begins with a “paddle-out” memorial for Chin Ho’s wife, Malia, who died in the season opener. The scene, in which mourners paddling on surf boards circle the family and officiants, who are in dugout canoes, offered a chance to highlight the cultural beauty of Hawaii and the physical beauty of the cast members.

When the team members return to shore, their contemplation is interrupted by reports of a gunfight during an art-gallery heist at the Aloha Tower Marketplace. Seems like this is the third or fourth time the series has shown a crime and/or pursuit in this outdoor shopping plaza. Aren’t they afraid of scaring away gullible tourists? Maybe they figure a larger number will show up hoping to see H50 filming.

This episode really stretches the definition of “procedural.” The overly complicated plot has too many plot twists and too many random connections for the viewer to sort out successfully. There is a high-speed chase, a kidnapping, a few murders and another handy assist from a conveniently orbiting thermal-imaging satellite. When McGarrett and Danno tie March not only to this episode’s crime but also to last season’s, he throws himself in front of a speeding truck rather than return to prison. (I guess that’s it for Asner on H50. It was a good run.)

With all of the episode’s twists and turns, there wasn’t much time for the series’ ongoing dramas. Only the McGarrett family plot line inches forward when Steve asks his girlfriend Catherine (Michelle Borth) for to help locate his mother. (At the end of the season premiere, he sent Doris McGarrett way for her protection, instructing her not to let him know where she was. Only after her plane departed did he find out that she’d apparently passed up a chance to kill Wo Fat, leaving Steve with more questions.)

Catherine dons a slutty outfit and heads to a pool hall, where she hustles a witness-protection official to obtain personal information that she uses to deduce his computer password and access the federal witness-protection database. (Yeeaaah.) The result? She finds out that Doris had the plane double back after takeoff and is still on Oahu.

Notes

  • When the conveniently accessed satellite locates the kidnap victim in the trunk of a car near the airport, why does McGarrett take the time to drive out there and rescue her personally rather than radio ahead to a police unit the area?
  • Chevy remains the “official ride” of H50, and it looks like Tropics Bar & Grill at the Hilton Hawaiian Village resort remains the team’s favored spot for a drink at the end of an episode. Outside, Chin Ho tells Danno: “The very first time I laid eyes on Malia was right here on this beach. I was staying here at the Hilton while my apartment was getting repainted. There she was.” While this might be good product placement, it stretches credibility believe locals would pay tourist rates for room, food and drink at a fancy resort.
  • Oddball medical examiner Dr. Max Bergman (Masi Oka) is hobbling with a cane. Did I miss something? He mumbles about “ballistic trauma.”
  • Charlie Fong (Brian Yang) returns to the forensics lab to pull March’s fingerprint from a recovered painting. Kono (Grace Park) is not in the scene.
  • Kamekona (Taylor Wily) announces that he’s taking flying lessons so that he can add helicopter tourism to his small business empire.

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Stuart J. Robinson, a college friend of the TV Tyrant, is a writer, editor, media-relations practitioner and social-media guy based in Phoenix.